Just so you know, I probably won't have many posts like this.
You know, watching movies like "I love you Beth Cooper" and other high school movies just makes me reflect on my life. It's not exactly the type of movie you'd normally think would make you reflect on your own life, but I've been pretty retrospective and introspective these days. My highschool years were pretty... bleak. I was painfully shy and was picked on quite a bit until my last couple of years there. My last couple of years were alright; I had a group of good friends, I came out of my shell through sheer will, and I started playing around with makeup and hairstyles (finally). I started to find out who I was, what I liked about myself rather than what I just didn't like about myself. I started to find things in the world that I enjoyed, people that I liked to have in my life, people that I just couldn't stand to have in my life, and I just... stopped needing to please everyone around me.
Then came Uni. I went into dorms and had to force myself to make friends. I'm in my second year now (well, just finished it), and I'm still friends with some of those people. Some friends I fell out with, after finding out they were just using me. I've made a couple of other friends through my friends, though I still have a complex about how many friends I have. When I hang out with some people that I really want to be better friends with, I try really hard not to be boring, or I'm really worried through the hangout that I might be boring them. I'm trying really hard to break out of that habit, because I'm really proud of who I've become, even though I still have some improving to do. I got to meet the love of my life, my boyfriend (who I asked out! Can you believe it?), who I plan to stay with for the rest of my life, so I count that as a plus! He was the man who helped me become who I am today. He's my best friend, and I wouldn't want to change him for the world. I love him so completely, and I know this makes me sound like a woman who is completely dependent on her boyfriend, but because of him I'm the happiest I have ever been in my life, and I believe I do the same for him. It's not me giving up being independent, it's just me realizing my other half and embracing that.
Today, I managed to finally get a job interview. Well, actually, it was a "pre-screening" interview, which turned out to be me showing my face and to make them know that I'm not a random homicidal maniac trying to take over their shop as a murder shack or something (yeah yeah, I know, all this introspective inspirational stuff before, and now I'm right back to being my weird self again. Well, this is my blog, and I'm allowed to speak of my feelings! so there!). Either way, even though it was the quickest thing ever, it was still my first kind of interview, and I'm proud of that. I've been really bummed lately because I've been trying to get a job for a year, and my sibling has had two (soon to be three). I don't know whether it's my resume or if they can sense that I'm a nervous wreck through my cover letter. I just really want a job so I can start to become independent from my parents and the rest of my family. I really, really want my own place - one that I can share with my boyfriend and my cat. To be honest, my family isn't a really close one. I used to be close with my brother, but then he all went and grew up, and now him and my sister are close because they like to talk about their parties and tv shows, and all I can talk to him about is games. I used to be close with my sister, but now I often feel like we hate each other. I didn't have a choice about living with her, but I accepted it. It's given me a roof over my head, and I'm thankful for that at least. We have our good times, but it's often roommate stuff that makes us fight rather than sister stuff I think. I think that when I get my own place, that hopefully we can become better sisters again... I really hope that's the case. I don't want to lose her, regardless of what's gone on in this past year, or the past 19 years before that. I'm 20 now, and I just want some normalcy. I love uniqueness, and I embrace the fact that I'm weird to some people, but sometimes I just want some stability in my life. I'm not going to talk about my mum and dad just now, simply because I don't feel like it.
So now here I am. I'm living with my sister and my cat, I have a boyfriend, I'm still job hunting, and because I'm pretty lazy sometimes I'm just getting by in school. I know it's not new years or anything, but I really want to start turning things around. I want to start getting fit, I want to be a better roommate, I want to find a job, and I want to continue improving my life and those who surround me. I need better grades, so that's one thing I need to deal with on my own.
Well... This is me.
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